my son is nine weeks old today.
it's so hard to believe that two whole months have already passed! it seems like just last week i was struggling to bend over my pregnant belly to tie my shoes... but, no. he's growing and changing all the time. it is absolutely incredible to watch and be a part.
at two weeks, he smiled for the first time and started to focus on objects in front of his face. now he's beginning to reach for the things he's focusing on. last night, he was playing in his swing while michael and i ate dinner. michael said, "look! he's grabbing his tray!" sure enough, his little fingers were tightly grasping the tray on the swing. my heart could've burst! and then i thought, 'how silly...he's grasping the tray, not doing anything really spectacular...'
actually, though, it was spectacular.
its spectacular to think that the Lord wired our brains to learn to do things exactly when we are ready. some things don't even have to be learned; we do them instinctively. ephram has eaten from the very beginning of his life, but no one taught him to suck.
i believe it is the same for all people who follow Christ. no one taught us to trust Him, but our instincts tell us we can. and i tend to think He looks at us the way i was looking at e last night. He watches us grow and develop and take those essential "baby steps" in Him to become mature in Him. He sees us do something that may seem insignificant, but He bursts with pride as He says, "look, Father! she's grabbing the tray! she gets it! she's growing!"
may we never cease to grow, and may we never despise baby steps.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
the new normal
a few nights ago, michael said to me, "babe, see what your parents are doing for valentine's day. if they're not doing anything, maybe they can babysit e while we go to dinner. i wanna take you someplace kinda special, but we'll have to go early to beat the traditional valentine's day crowd."
first of all, i'm your average, sappy, valentine's-day-lovin' girl, so to me this was like magic rolling from his lips. second, I was especially excited to hear these words since only a week or so ago he had put our last attempt at an evening out in very serious jeopardy. he had, in fact, caused us to miss both of the movies we had considered seeing because of his inability to control himself or his four-wheel-drive vehicle in the deep snow. to his credit, we did make a late dinner. still, i had been disappointed, so a redeeming valentine's evening sounded wonderful.
and i'm sure it would have been wonderful...if we had ever made it...
you see, the weekend prior to valentine's day was kam's weekend. we had a roller skating birthday party planned for her and she was very excited. when we picked her up on friday, she was sniffly and complained of pain in her right eye. as the evening went on, her eye became pinker and pinker and was very "leaky". i was, of course, afraid it was pink eye, so i told michael that maybe he should take her to urgent care. the last thing we needed was to have a birthday party from which ten kids left with pink eye! the urgent care doctor diagnosed her with corneal ulcers, resulting from bacteria coming into contact with her eye. she said it was highly contagious, but that we could still have the birthday party if kam wore an eye patch. just call her captain kam the pirate! well, not really. daddy got the kind that looked more like bandages. the doctor prescribed antibiotic eye drops and said an eye specialist would be in contact with us in the next couple of days. it all sounded so serious! we called to warn the party guests, but most of them still wanted to party. saturday morning, kam woke up with BOTH eyes matted shut. we decided to cancel the party. she couldn't skate with TWO eye patches! kam was scheduled to return to her mom's house on sunday, but michael offered to keep her sunday night so that he could take her to the eye specialist on monday.
monday was valentine's day.
at this point, i knew there would be no special valentine's dinner. even if the eye specialist appointment was at 10:00 am, her mom works until 5:00 pm and we would at least have to take her half-way home. to make a long story short-ish, the eye specialist said it wasn't corneal ulcers at all. he said that she has eye allergies and that she probably rubs them a lot (which is true). he said what most likely happened was that she was rubbing her eyes and something got in her eye and scratched her cornea. so, basically, we cancelled the party AND she missed the valentine's celebration at her school for nothing. when michael called her mom to see what her plans were for "the drop", as we call it, she said she was tied up at work and would be there until about 8...and could kam just stay another night? of course she can.
we gave kam and e their valentines, and grilled steaks for dinner. we listened to a mix cd michael made for me, and we watched chuck. no candles or chocolates or jewelry or roses. and somewhere between the snotty nose, fear of the dark, poopy diaper, and seemingly needless crying, i realized, this is my new normal. it's not glamorous or even fun at times, but it is what i love. it is my family. it is my happiness. and as i looked around tonight at the folded laundry piled up on the couch, the dishes stacked in the sink, and the toys all over the place, i thought, "what a wonderful valentine's day." and i meant it.
first of all, i'm your average, sappy, valentine's-day-lovin' girl, so to me this was like magic rolling from his lips. second, I was especially excited to hear these words since only a week or so ago he had put our last attempt at an evening out in very serious jeopardy. he had, in fact, caused us to miss both of the movies we had considered seeing because of his inability to control himself or his four-wheel-drive vehicle in the deep snow. to his credit, we did make a late dinner. still, i had been disappointed, so a redeeming valentine's evening sounded wonderful.
and i'm sure it would have been wonderful...if we had ever made it...
you see, the weekend prior to valentine's day was kam's weekend. we had a roller skating birthday party planned for her and she was very excited. when we picked her up on friday, she was sniffly and complained of pain in her right eye. as the evening went on, her eye became pinker and pinker and was very "leaky". i was, of course, afraid it was pink eye, so i told michael that maybe he should take her to urgent care. the last thing we needed was to have a birthday party from which ten kids left with pink eye! the urgent care doctor diagnosed her with corneal ulcers, resulting from bacteria coming into contact with her eye. she said it was highly contagious, but that we could still have the birthday party if kam wore an eye patch. just call her captain kam the pirate! well, not really. daddy got the kind that looked more like bandages. the doctor prescribed antibiotic eye drops and said an eye specialist would be in contact with us in the next couple of days. it all sounded so serious! we called to warn the party guests, but most of them still wanted to party. saturday morning, kam woke up with BOTH eyes matted shut. we decided to cancel the party. she couldn't skate with TWO eye patches! kam was scheduled to return to her mom's house on sunday, but michael offered to keep her sunday night so that he could take her to the eye specialist on monday.
monday was valentine's day.
at this point, i knew there would be no special valentine's dinner. even if the eye specialist appointment was at 10:00 am, her mom works until 5:00 pm and we would at least have to take her half-way home. to make a long story short-ish, the eye specialist said it wasn't corneal ulcers at all. he said that she has eye allergies and that she probably rubs them a lot (which is true). he said what most likely happened was that she was rubbing her eyes and something got in her eye and scratched her cornea. so, basically, we cancelled the party AND she missed the valentine's celebration at her school for nothing. when michael called her mom to see what her plans were for "the drop", as we call it, she said she was tied up at work and would be there until about 8...and could kam just stay another night? of course she can.
we gave kam and e their valentines, and grilled steaks for dinner. we listened to a mix cd michael made for me, and we watched chuck. no candles or chocolates or jewelry or roses. and somewhere between the snotty nose, fear of the dark, poopy diaper, and seemingly needless crying, i realized, this is my new normal. it's not glamorous or even fun at times, but it is what i love. it is my family. it is my happiness. and as i looked around tonight at the folded laundry piled up on the couch, the dishes stacked in the sink, and the toys all over the place, i thought, "what a wonderful valentine's day." and i meant it.
Friday, February 11, 2011
back on the blog-wagon
so, it's been a year and a half since i have written anything. i didn't mean for it to be that long, but i guess i've been busy.
2010 was a big year for michael and me. we started january with a 21-day fast. our goal was to cleanse our bodies from sugar, caffeine, and other things that we don't need to live. at the same time, we were praying for some huge needs in our lives. michael had been out of a job for three months and his severance was quickly coming to an end. we had been trying for a baby since late july with no hope in sight. it was becoming clear that the youth department at our church was not big enough for two youth pastor positions, one of which michael had been filling part-time since april. there was much to pray about. the three week fast was difficult, but we did it, and i truly believe it set the stage for some great things to happen for the rest of the year. in april, we found out we were going to have a baby. after working a couple of small jobs, michael landed an excellent position at a successful communications company downtown in october. he was laid off from the part-time position at the church, but it didn't affect our family financially because of the new job with which God had blessed him. our baby boy was born healthy and whole in december.
now, here we stand, on the front edge of 2011. we began the year with a different fast. we each fasted for two weeks, but we fasted different things.
this year, michael is on a personal journey, seeking out who Jesus actually was and is. he feels like the Jesus we speak about today is often someone we have conjured up in our minds, one who fits our lifestyle and mold. he is spending a great deal of time studying and researching how the Jesus we read about in the bible did things, and is trying to pattern his life after that.
my goal is to spend more time in the word, finding out what the Lord wants my next steps to be. i feel like all the goals i had for my life have been achieved. i have graduated high school, earned a college degree, landed a job in a teaching position, completed courses in biblical studies, married the love of my life, and given birth to 9lb 3oz of perfection. and i can't help but wornder, "what now?" have i just been living for myself? were my goals truly HIS goals? what can i do to find His heart, his passion for my life?
so far this year, i've read about prayer, obedience, and courage in the bible. i feel like i'm becoming stronger with every line i read. i definitely still have my struggles, but i'm gaining strength.
i'm not sure how this year could be better than the last...maybe michael will be switched to the day shift... no matter what, i know the Lord has tremendous plans for me, for us.
2010 was a big year for michael and me. we started january with a 21-day fast. our goal was to cleanse our bodies from sugar, caffeine, and other things that we don't need to live. at the same time, we were praying for some huge needs in our lives. michael had been out of a job for three months and his severance was quickly coming to an end. we had been trying for a baby since late july with no hope in sight. it was becoming clear that the youth department at our church was not big enough for two youth pastor positions, one of which michael had been filling part-time since april. there was much to pray about. the three week fast was difficult, but we did it, and i truly believe it set the stage for some great things to happen for the rest of the year. in april, we found out we were going to have a baby. after working a couple of small jobs, michael landed an excellent position at a successful communications company downtown in october. he was laid off from the part-time position at the church, but it didn't affect our family financially because of the new job with which God had blessed him. our baby boy was born healthy and whole in december.
now, here we stand, on the front edge of 2011. we began the year with a different fast. we each fasted for two weeks, but we fasted different things.
this year, michael is on a personal journey, seeking out who Jesus actually was and is. he feels like the Jesus we speak about today is often someone we have conjured up in our minds, one who fits our lifestyle and mold. he is spending a great deal of time studying and researching how the Jesus we read about in the bible did things, and is trying to pattern his life after that.
my goal is to spend more time in the word, finding out what the Lord wants my next steps to be. i feel like all the goals i had for my life have been achieved. i have graduated high school, earned a college degree, landed a job in a teaching position, completed courses in biblical studies, married the love of my life, and given birth to 9lb 3oz of perfection. and i can't help but wornder, "what now?" have i just been living for myself? were my goals truly HIS goals? what can i do to find His heart, his passion for my life?
so far this year, i've read about prayer, obedience, and courage in the bible. i feel like i'm becoming stronger with every line i read. i definitely still have my struggles, but i'm gaining strength.
i'm not sure how this year could be better than the last...maybe michael will be switched to the day shift... no matter what, i know the Lord has tremendous plans for me, for us.
"and as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. so we will not be afraid on the day of judgement, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world." i john 4:17
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
to be bilingual
in the summer of 2003, i was fortunate enough to make a trip to cuenca, ecuador for missions. i had taken spanish in school, but that summer, i took some extra conversational language classes. i really like spanish and learning about hispanic culture. i want to learn more spanish, but who knows if i actually ever will. i know many people say french is the most beautiful of the languages, but i think spanish is just as pretty. especially when it is lifted up in praise to Jesus. :)
we have had a hispanic congregation meeting in our building for years now and the people of the congregation have recently become able to purchase a building of their own. it is a very exciting time! this past sunday, we had a combined english/spanish service at our church. the combined service was a celebration of sorts, complete with a tamale meal afterwards.
thinking of the two instances, one thing is certain: our God is infathomable. i remember that summer in ecuador...it was the first time i had ever been on an airplane, and i remember thinking just how vast and large the world is. i mean, i had known that the world is big, but the trip really put that into perspective for me. i had never thought of it before, but i remember thinking that at the very same time we were worshipping in ecuador, there were people back at home in oklahoma worshipping too. and that made such an impact on me. i mean, there are things you know in your head, and then there are things you learn with your heart and that was one of them. the same was true on sunday. we did songs in english and in spanish, some switching back and forth between the two languages, and it was so incredible to me that no matter what language we sing in, God is glorified and exhalted and He honestly doesn't care. the feeling of being in a service like that is electric. between the two congregations, i'm certain there were a fair share of differences, but the most important thing was the one we share in common: Christ.
we have had a hispanic congregation meeting in our building for years now and the people of the congregation have recently become able to purchase a building of their own. it is a very exciting time! this past sunday, we had a combined english/spanish service at our church. the combined service was a celebration of sorts, complete with a tamale meal afterwards.
thinking of the two instances, one thing is certain: our God is infathomable. i remember that summer in ecuador...it was the first time i had ever been on an airplane, and i remember thinking just how vast and large the world is. i mean, i had known that the world is big, but the trip really put that into perspective for me. i had never thought of it before, but i remember thinking that at the very same time we were worshipping in ecuador, there were people back at home in oklahoma worshipping too. and that made such an impact on me. i mean, there are things you know in your head, and then there are things you learn with your heart and that was one of them. the same was true on sunday. we did songs in english and in spanish, some switching back and forth between the two languages, and it was so incredible to me that no matter what language we sing in, God is glorified and exhalted and He honestly doesn't care. the feeling of being in a service like that is electric. between the two congregations, i'm certain there were a fair share of differences, but the most important thing was the one we share in common: Christ.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
back in the swing
today marked one week since school started back up. it has been an interesting week. i've been stolen from, diffused several arguments, had flowers brought to me, read more than half of a chapter book, and done the chicken dance to teach division. all in a week's work, i suppose. but seriously, i wish there was some way i could make some of my students believe how much I care about them and believe in them. it's like some of them have been put down, discouraged, and sold short for most of their lives...and they're only 10 and 11!! it's like breaking off the shell of an egg; i know they're mushy inside, i just have to break past that worthless outer covering. but sometimes, that proves to be a difficult task. take "i" for example...he just got out of foster care and had been in it so long that he doesn't remember when it all started. most of his fourth grade year he spent at osu medical center because he has "anger issues". he told me today that he used to think he was "all big and bad" and that he had to be "in control of everything and everybody". he said he tries not to be like that now, but that sometimes he gets those feelings. i know adults who can't articulate themselves as well as this kid! he broke down after telling me this and said that he just wants to fit in with everyone and that he doesn't have any friends. of course he doesn't...this is only his sixth day at a brand new school! on top of that, he's in fifth grade, so many of his classmates have been together for years. i just felt so sad and broken inside. i wanted to scoop him up and tell him i would be his friend, but i knew i could possibly lose my job, so i just patted him on the shoulder and tried to encourage him by reminding him of the people with whom i've seen him postively interacting. i later introduced him to our school counselor and tried to help him feel safe and cared for.
but i don't get it. why are some people allowed to conceive children at all? this is a constant question i throw in God's direction because, knowing He is all-powerful, He could choose who is infertile and who could "be fruitful and multiply". there are people who desperately want children and would be incredible parents who will never be able to have them, and there are also people who don't deserve such gifts but keep receiving them and abandoning them. it doesn't make sense. but it MUST be part of the plan, right?? a seemingly injustifyable part, but a part nonetheless. the Bible warns that the last days will be terrible and i believe we're living there.
but i don't get it. why are some people allowed to conceive children at all? this is a constant question i throw in God's direction because, knowing He is all-powerful, He could choose who is infertile and who could "be fruitful and multiply". there are people who desperately want children and would be incredible parents who will never be able to have them, and there are also people who don't deserve such gifts but keep receiving them and abandoning them. it doesn't make sense. but it MUST be part of the plan, right?? a seemingly injustifyable part, but a part nonetheless. the Bible warns that the last days will be terrible and i believe we're living there.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
step-motherhood.
it's hard to believe how much one kid can affect you.
today, michael and i drove to cleveland to kamryn's "meet the teacher" event at her new school. lots of things were going through my head as we walked up the sidewalk to the primary school. when i met kamryn, she was only two years old. she was potty training. she woke up in the middle of the night and crawled in bed with her daddy. she was a baby. but when she skipped up tonight to smother us in hugs, she was 100% kindergarten big-girl. when we got into the classroom, it was, of course, a sight. it's not particularly common to see a blended family attending "meet the teacher night" in peace, but to kamryn, we are her family and she is not ashamed. the teacher, mrs. griffin, said, "who's the mom?" as tracy extended her hand for a shake, kamryn said pointing, "and this is my daddy...my step-mom...and my step-dad." everyone acknowledged that it's great to have two mommies and two daddies and that it just means more love for kamryn. oh, how i wish i could climb into that little brain of hers to see what's really going on in there. as her mom and michael filled out the paperwork, and chris chatted with some buddies, kamryn and i made our way around the room to see what there was to see. she settled at the kitchen center where she made toast and coffee for me while i waited at the peter rabbit table. (she assured me i wouldn't break the chairs because "they're plastic".) they put away her supplies and we said goodbye and thank you to mrs. griffin and we left. we were able to take kamryn out to dinner and she requested "the dugout grill". michael asked her if they had juicy hot dogs (a fav of hers), and she said, "juicy hot dogs AND warm peanuts!" so we went. apparently no one is in a hurry in cleveland, oklahoma, so it took us longer to get our food than to eat it, but it was fun watching her bust the peanuts with her hands and pretend the shells were snowboards for her fingers. i can't believe how she is growing and changing so fast. some of the things she says are priceless! like tonight, she was judo chopping peanuts at dinner. she held one up and said, "look how damaged it is!" damaged?? wow. anyway, we also asked her what she is looking forward to the most about kindergarten. her response was, "the sharp crayons," and i thought, sheesh! if i knew that's all she cared about i would've bought her a box long ago. but i guess it's the simple things in life that make the biggest difference to us. we ended the night by taking her back to her house. she, of course, wanted us to go in and check out her room. i'm not sure how momma tracy felt about it, but we went in anyway and had a pretty good chat. chris was especially friendly to michael, which i think was a good thing. i think the more kamryn sees us positively interacting the better. she didn't want us to go, or wanted to come home with us. it's hard to leave like that, but we assured her that daddy would pick her up on friday for a fun weekend. and we sent her back in for a bath and bedtime because the first day of school is a very important day for a kid, especially when she has a new dress and shoes to show off. =] but i found myself leaving with a different attitude than ever before. this is our life and we are her parents, full or step, mom or dad...she's ours and we have a responsibilty to teach her and love her and be there for her no matter what our differences might be. and i want to do that with my whole heart.
today, michael and i drove to cleveland to kamryn's "meet the teacher" event at her new school. lots of things were going through my head as we walked up the sidewalk to the primary school. when i met kamryn, she was only two years old. she was potty training. she woke up in the middle of the night and crawled in bed with her daddy. she was a baby. but when she skipped up tonight to smother us in hugs, she was 100% kindergarten big-girl. when we got into the classroom, it was, of course, a sight. it's not particularly common to see a blended family attending "meet the teacher night" in peace, but to kamryn, we are her family and she is not ashamed. the teacher, mrs. griffin, said, "who's the mom?" as tracy extended her hand for a shake, kamryn said pointing, "and this is my daddy...my step-mom...and my step-dad." everyone acknowledged that it's great to have two mommies and two daddies and that it just means more love for kamryn. oh, how i wish i could climb into that little brain of hers to see what's really going on in there. as her mom and michael filled out the paperwork, and chris chatted with some buddies, kamryn and i made our way around the room to see what there was to see. she settled at the kitchen center where she made toast and coffee for me while i waited at the peter rabbit table. (she assured me i wouldn't break the chairs because "they're plastic".) they put away her supplies and we said goodbye and thank you to mrs. griffin and we left. we were able to take kamryn out to dinner and she requested "the dugout grill". michael asked her if they had juicy hot dogs (a fav of hers), and she said, "juicy hot dogs AND warm peanuts!" so we went. apparently no one is in a hurry in cleveland, oklahoma, so it took us longer to get our food than to eat it, but it was fun watching her bust the peanuts with her hands and pretend the shells were snowboards for her fingers. i can't believe how she is growing and changing so fast. some of the things she says are priceless! like tonight, she was judo chopping peanuts at dinner. she held one up and said, "look how damaged it is!" damaged?? wow. anyway, we also asked her what she is looking forward to the most about kindergarten. her response was, "the sharp crayons," and i thought, sheesh! if i knew that's all she cared about i would've bought her a box long ago. but i guess it's the simple things in life that make the biggest difference to us. we ended the night by taking her back to her house. she, of course, wanted us to go in and check out her room. i'm not sure how momma tracy felt about it, but we went in anyway and had a pretty good chat. chris was especially friendly to michael, which i think was a good thing. i think the more kamryn sees us positively interacting the better. she didn't want us to go, or wanted to come home with us. it's hard to leave like that, but we assured her that daddy would pick her up on friday for a fun weekend. and we sent her back in for a bath and bedtime because the first day of school is a very important day for a kid, especially when she has a new dress and shoes to show off. =] but i found myself leaving with a different attitude than ever before. this is our life and we are her parents, full or step, mom or dad...she's ours and we have a responsibilty to teach her and love her and be there for her no matter what our differences might be. and i want to do that with my whole heart.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
first timer
ok, so the only blogs i've ever posted were on myspace. i guess that counts, but i think i want to start this. i guess i'll start by saying that i'm doing this because mitchell, cody shane, and randi made it look fun.
my name is rachel and , #1, i like to shop. i wish there was a shopping profession because i would be really good at it. #2, i love my family. i would rather hang with my husband and brothers than just about anyone else. #3, i've been honored to be involved with the youth ministry at our church for a while now. it's been the best and i love all my pulse kids. #4, i like soda and mexican food, separate and together. #5, my step-daughter is coming tomorrow to stay for 6 days and i already know they're gonna pass by too quickly.
that's enough for now. more insides to come.
my name is rachel and , #1, i like to shop. i wish there was a shopping profession because i would be really good at it. #2, i love my family. i would rather hang with my husband and brothers than just about anyone else. #3, i've been honored to be involved with the youth ministry at our church for a while now. it's been the best and i love all my pulse kids. #4, i like soda and mexican food, separate and together. #5, my step-daughter is coming tomorrow to stay for 6 days and i already know they're gonna pass by too quickly.
that's enough for now. more insides to come.
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